I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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