I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
