just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
