there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Randomize