No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
