So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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