how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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