You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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