I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Drunk is a universal language darling
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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