I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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