You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
