Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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