She is in my trunk
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
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