i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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