I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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