then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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