I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
