Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
