hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
