If i come over, it means nothing
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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