Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
