apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
