happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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