I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
