So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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