i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
operation harelip BJ is a go
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
