Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize