Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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