Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
