what day is it and did you see me today?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
