Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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