I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
