There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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