Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
