I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
