Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
