I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
