Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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