That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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