Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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