I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
