I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
