We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
