At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
