there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
