I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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