My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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