Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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