she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
