When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
