My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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