I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
