I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
