The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
