at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
