Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
