isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
