I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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