Ambien. No doubt about it.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
