I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
