From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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