i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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