My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
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