my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He shit in the fireplace
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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