I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
