you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
