we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
