So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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