I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
